3
men
There were three bad men who went to a priest. The
first one said I have stolen a lollipop from a baby. Drink this holy water and
you will be forgiven. The second one says I killed a child. Drink this water
and you shall be forgiven. The third one says I pissed in the holy water. You
will go to hell said the priest.
Holding
for ransom
Little Johnny was planning on getting lots of presents
for Christmas. He knew that god had a connection to the North Pole, and stood
up and started to pray.
"God, I have been a child of perfection this
year. I think I should get lots of presents... no that won't work."
He got on his knees.
"God, I haven't been the best child since last
December. I still deserve lots of presents for my efforts... no that can't work
either!"
He laid face flat on the floor.
"God, I have been a complete devil this year. But
I can change, I promise! No, there no way he believes that!"
Johnny went to his last resort. He walked over to the model
of the stable that Jesus was born in. Little Johnny reached in and pulled out
the virgin marry. He went into his room, wrapped marry in a sock, and placed
her in his drawer.
"God, if you ever want to see your mother again...
How an Angel got 2 B on top of the tree
This one year Santa was having a very bad day. His
wife didn't give him any, he had a hangover from the night before, none of the
elves were on schedule, and the kids were all bitching and whining and
unappreciative. He went to have a drink but all the liquored was gone, everyone
was demanding that he do something, the house was a mess and he stubbed his toe
on a broken toy and so he started to cuss and shout and he was really pissed.
Just then the doorbell rang and it was an Angel with a beautiful new Christmas
tree. "Where should I put this Santa?"
Holiday Nuts
Schizophrenia - Do You Hear What I Hear?
Multiple Personality Disorder - We Three Kings
Disoriented Are
Dementia - I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas
Narcissistic - Hark the Herald Angels Sing about Me
Manic - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn
and Streets and Stores and Offices and towns and Cars and Buses and Trucks and
Trees and Fire Hydrants and...
Paranoid - Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me
Borderline Personality - Thoughts of Roasting On an
Open Fire
Personality Disorder - You better watch Out, I'm Gonne
Cry; I'm Gonne Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
Obsessive Compulsive - Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle, Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells..............
A
Christmas Story
Christmas Story for people having a bad day....
When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee
elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning
to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to
visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that
three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were
out, heaven knows where.
More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the
boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of
apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that
the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his
frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds
of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found
that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang,
and irritable Santa trudged to the door.
He opened the door, and there was a little angel with
a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry
Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where
would you like me to stick it?"
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top
of the Christmas tree.
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