Christmas Jokes #1 Funny Christmas Jokes for Kids & Adults

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3 men

There were three bad men who went to a priest. The first one said I have stolen a lollipop from a baby. Drink this holy water and you will be forgiven. The second one says I killed a child. Drink this water and you shall be forgiven. The third one says I pissed in the holy water. You will go to hell said the priest.

 

Holding for ransom

Little Johnny was planning on getting lots of presents for Christmas. He knew that god had a connection to the North Pole, and stood up and started to pray.

"God, I have been a child of perfection this year. I think I should get lots of presents... no that won't work."

He got on his knees.

"God, I haven't been the best child since last December. I still deserve lots of presents for my efforts... no that can't work either!"

He laid face flat on the floor.

"God, I have been a complete devil this year. But I can change, I promise! No, there no way he believes that!"

Johnny went to his last resort. He walked over to the model of the stable that Jesus was born in. Little Johnny reached in and pulled out the virgin marry. He went into his room, wrapped marry in a sock, and placed her in his drawer.

"God, if you ever want to see your mother again...

How an Angel got 2 B on top of the tree

This one year Santa was having a very bad day. His wife didn't give him any, he had a hangover from the night before, none of the elves were on schedule, and the kids were all bitching and whining and unappreciative. He went to have a drink but all the liquored was gone, everyone was demanding that he do something, the house was a mess and he stubbed his toe on a broken toy and so he started to cuss and shout and he was really pissed. Just then the doorbell rang and it was an Angel with a beautiful new Christmas tree. "Where should I put this Santa?"

 

Holiday Nuts


Schizophrenia - Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality Disorder - We Three Kings Disoriented Are

Dementia - I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas

Narcissistic - Hark the Herald Angels Sing about Me

Manic - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Offices and towns and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and...

Paranoid - Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me

Borderline Personality - Thoughts of Roasting On an Open Fire

Personality Disorder - You better watch Out, I'm Gonne Cry; I'm Gonne Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

Obsessive Compulsive - Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle, Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells..............

 

A Christmas Story

Christmas Story for people having a bad day....

 

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door.

He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.


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