Long Redneck Christmas Poem
Christmas in West Virginia
T was the Night before
Christmas, and all through the shack
Not a creature was stirrin',
cept the lice on muh back.
The Skoal cans wuz nailed to
the screen door with care,
With hopes that St. Nicholas
soon would be there.
The children were sleepin',
all snug in their beds,
While visions of tractor pulls
danced in their heads.
And Ma in her nightgown all
stained with pound cake.
Had just settled down to watch
Ricki Lake.
When out in the driveway, a
loud noise I heard,
I opened the winder to check
muh T-bird.
I ran to the door, like I's on
a mission,
But I tripped on some parts
from muh granny's transmission.
The moon shone outside, the
hound dog wuz barkin'.
Muh daughter weren't home yet,
she wuz still out parkin'.
When what to muh whiskey blind
eyes should I see
But a Chevy S-10, pulled by
eight flyin' sheep.
With a fat nasty driver, so
disgustin' and sick
I said, "Shoot Fire! That
must be St. Nick!
More rapid than X-lax his
wooly sheep came
And he belched and he
hollered, and he called 'em by name.
Now CLIFFORD! Now VERNON! Now
LESTER and ENUS!
On FESTUS! On ELMER! On ROSCOE
and CLETUS!
From the top of the shack to
them there garbage bins
Now Dash Away! Dash Away! Dash
Away youins!
I heard a loud sound on the
roof of muh shack.
Pud down muh beer and went fer
muh gun rack.
He fell through the roof, plum
killed my dog,
I swear that ole' Santa looked
just like Boss Hog.
He wore a T-shirt, rebel flag
on the front,
And his jeans were all bloody
from that morning's hunt.
A big nekkid lady tattooed on
his arm,
And he wore black boots that
he'd picked up in 'Nam.
His eyes, how they glazed from
too much Wild Turkey.
From the side of his mouth
hung a stick of beef jerky.
A scar on his cheek from a
fight with the cops.
The veins on his face looked
ready to pop.
The butt of a Marlboro clung
to his lip
He wore a hip pack full of
B-B-Q chips.
He had a fat face and a hairy
beer belly.
I ain't seen one that big
since muh ex-wife Shelly.
He was gap-toothed and dumb
with an I.Q. of three
And I laughed cause that
redneck was smarter than me.
A wink of his eye, a fierce
shake of his head,
From his hair came a rat that
ran under the bed.
He reached in his sack, sipped
his gin and tonic,
Then filled the kid's
stockings with Hooked on Phonics.
His toys came from Big Lots
and they weren't very nice
But he had lots of them and
yuh can't beat the price.
He gave us a tape of them
hound dogs that sing Jingle Bells.
Some Crisco, some Spam, some
Oatmeal Cream pies,
And a Nascar T-shirt in Double
X size.
When the presents were gone
and he had no more,
He staggered and stumbled
right through muh screen door.
He hopped in his truck, to his
sheep gave an order
"Hurry up youins! To the
Tennessee border!"
And I heard him cry out, with
a strong southern drawl,
"MERRY CHRISTMAS, YOU
REDNECKS! MERRY CHRISTMAS Y'ALL... YEE HAWWWW!
No comments