(From facebook) my pet mouse Elvis just died.
He was 'caught in a trap'
Posted on my Facebook group that it's 40 below outside.
Some responded, is that Fahrenheit or Centigrade?
My ex made this Facebook status about how she feels like someone is watching her...
...but I’ve been following her around all week and I can guarantee no one is stalking her.
Mark Zuckerberg is really upset that Facebook is about to be fined $5 billion by the FTC for misusing users’ personal data.
Please respect his privacy at this challenging time.
Senator: You said Facebook has cookies correct?
Zucc: Yes Senator that is correct, Facebook does use cookies.
Senator: Where can I get some of those cookies and how are they made?
Zucc: I’m sorry senator I don’t know wha...
Senator: *repeats question but LOUDER*
Zucc: Senator I...
Senator: Where can I get some of those cookies and how are they made?
Zucc: I’m sorry senator I don’t know wha...
Senator: *repeats question but LOUDER*
Zucc: Senator I...
My ex updated her status on Facebook to standing on the edge of a cliff.
So I poked her
What do you call Post Malone when he's on Facebook by himself?
Post Alone.
If the world followed Facebook trends
The plumber would come with noodles instead of tools
Facebook recently started a produce market dealing exclusively in peppers.
Yet another way they're jalapeño business.
How many people does it take to change a lightbulb in a Facebook group?
* 1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.
* 15 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
* 8 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
* 18 purists who use candles and are offended by light bulb discussions.
* 7 to argue over whether it's 'lightbulb' or 'light bulb'.
* Another 7 to condemn those 7 as stupid.
* 23 to tell THOSE 7 to stop being jackasses.
* 3 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is 'lamp'.
* 16 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that 'light bulb' is perfectly correct.
* 250 to post meme's and gif's.
* 20 to post that this page is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb page.
* 13 to defend the posting to this page saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant here.
* 17 to post 'Following'.
* 37 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.
* 8 to ask if the brands of light bulbs used are worth the money.
* 20 to tell them that if they like the light bulbs, buy them.
* 16 People to post "I can't see S$%\^!" and use their own light bulbs.
* 6 People to post pics of their own light bulbs.
* 8 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs.
* 5 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's.
* 14 to comment "Me too".
* 6 to post to the page that they will no longer post or are leaving because they cannot handle the $!%cking light bulb controversy.
* 6 to report the post or PM an admin because someone said "f÷×$"
* 23 to ask if there is a flounce in progress.
* 350 to post flounce memes.
* 5 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?".
* 14 to say "Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs".
* 2 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that (insert politician of choice) isn't the brightest bulb.
* 5 more to get into personal attacks over their political views.
* 6 admins to ban the light bulb posters who took it all too seriously.
* 1 late arrival to comment on the original post 7 months later and start it all over again.
\*Obviously reposted. from a Facebook group.
* 15 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
* 8 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
* 18 purists who use candles and are offended by light bulb discussions.
* 7 to argue over whether it's 'lightbulb' or 'light bulb'.
* Another 7 to condemn those 7 as stupid.
* 23 to tell THOSE 7 to stop being jackasses.
* 3 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is 'lamp'.
* 16 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that 'light bulb' is perfectly correct.
* 250 to post meme's and gif's.
* 20 to post that this page is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb page.
* 13 to defend the posting to this page saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant here.
* 17 to post 'Following'.
* 37 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.
* 8 to ask if the brands of light bulbs used are worth the money.
* 20 to tell them that if they like the light bulbs, buy them.
* 16 People to post "I can't see S$%\^!" and use their own light bulbs.
* 6 People to post pics of their own light bulbs.
* 8 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs.
* 5 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's.
* 14 to comment "Me too".
* 6 to post to the page that they will no longer post or are leaving because they cannot handle the $!%cking light bulb controversy.
* 6 to report the post or PM an admin because someone said "f÷×$"
* 23 to ask if there is a flounce in progress.
* 350 to post flounce memes.
* 5 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?".
* 14 to say "Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs".
* 2 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that (insert politician of choice) isn't the brightest bulb.
* 5 more to get into personal attacks over their political views.
* 6 admins to ban the light bulb posters who took it all too seriously.
* 1 late arrival to comment on the original post 7 months later and start it all over again.
\*Obviously reposted. from a Facebook group.
Just changed my Facebook name to 'No one'........
Just changed my Facebook name to 'No one' so when I see stupid posts I can click like and it will say 'No one likes this'
A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"
She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?" Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've reading on Facebook lately." Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the startled husband asked. "Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip. “And, by the way," the teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
I was at an important job interview today, when they asked me if I was on Facebook…
"Sorry, no. I'm not." I replied.
"Twitter?"
"Nope."
"Instagram?"
"Nah."
"Look, just put your phone away, will you!?"
"Twitter?"
"Nope."
"Instagram?"
"Nah."
"Look, just put your phone away, will you!?"
A kid asks her crush out to the prom and she says yes. So he really wants to impress
He wants to buy her some nice flowers, rent a tuxedo, and a limo.
So he goes to the flower store and there's a really long flower line. He waits for hours and finally gets to the desk and buys the flowers
He then goes to the tuxedo store and, again, there's a really long tuxedo line. He stands in line for about an hour and a half and get to the end. He finally rents his tuxedo.
Lastly, he makes a stop at the limo and, surprise surprise: there's a long limo line. He sticks with it because he really wants to impress his date and finally rents his limo after a couple hours.
So now it's the date of the dance and he pulls up in a stretch limo to pick up his date.
She's blown away by all the effort he put in for their date. She loves the flowers, she thinks he looks really handsome in his tuxedo, and finds the flowers to be beautiful.
So now they're at the prom, dancing, and having a good time until she gets thirsty.
"Hey, babe. Do you mind going over to the punch table to get me something to drink?"
"Sure! No problem, love."
He walks over to the punch bowl and there's no punchline
So he goes to the flower store and there's a really long flower line. He waits for hours and finally gets to the desk and buys the flowers
He then goes to the tuxedo store and, again, there's a really long tuxedo line. He stands in line for about an hour and a half and get to the end. He finally rents his tuxedo.
Lastly, he makes a stop at the limo and, surprise surprise: there's a long limo line. He sticks with it because he really wants to impress his date and finally rents his limo after a couple hours.
So now it's the date of the dance and he pulls up in a stretch limo to pick up his date.
She's blown away by all the effort he put in for their date. She loves the flowers, she thinks he looks really handsome in his tuxedo, and finds the flowers to be beautiful.
So now they're at the prom, dancing, and having a good time until she gets thirsty.
"Hey, babe. Do you mind going over to the punch table to get me something to drink?"
"Sure! No problem, love."
He walks over to the punch bowl and there's no punchline
What's the difference between a jail and Facebook?
Basically none.
You sit, waste your time and write on the wall.
You sit, waste your time and write on the wall.
Earlier today I saw the Facebook group 'kids vs cancer'
Well, it turns out writing "my money is on cancer every time" is one way to get quite a bit of hate mail.
Bad Facebook...
...you ate all my cookies and gave away the recipe
best way to speak to yr wife at home?
send her a message on facebook
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