What does /r/Jokes and Facebook have in common?
Users both repost stuff from Reddit.
What do you get when you combine Facebook, Twitter, and YouTube?
Youtwitface!
Why is Voldemort on Instagram but not on Facebook?
He has followers not friends!
An old school friend messaged me on Facebook saying I could get rich by selling Egyptian artefacts
Turned out it was just a pyramid scheme
How can you tell if someone doesn't have Facebook?
Don't worry, they'll tell you.
6 years ago i DMed my facebook crush telling her that I am going to take her out on a date. Today I asked her to marry me.
She said no both times and blocked me
I just got kicked out of Flat Earth Facebook group.
I just got kicked out of Flat Earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing guideline has pushed anyone over the edge yet.
I’ve given up social media for the New Year and am trying to make friends outside Facebook while applying the same principles.
Every day, I walk down the street and tell passersby what I’ve eaten, how I feel, what I did the night before, and what I will do tomorrow. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and me gardening. I also listen to their conversations and tell them I love them.
And it works. I already have three people following me… two police officers and a psychiatrist.
And it works. I already have three people following me… two police officers and a psychiatrist.
I started a Facebook group for people who love bicycling
But apparently nobody wants to join the Pedalphiles.
If Facebook has proven one thing in 2020
it’s that Black likes matter.
Is some one dear to you having a suspected stroke, remember, think F.A.S.T.
F. Get on Facebook immediately and search the symptoms from a sympathetic audience.
A. Ask for their thoughts and prayers, this will generate lots of likes.
S. Search for the symptoms on Google or look for helpful YouTube videos.
T. Try a selection of oils, scented candles, herbal teas and chakra crystals.
.
.
.
.
Give up.
A. Ask for their thoughts and prayers, this will generate lots of likes.
S. Search for the symptoms on Google or look for helpful YouTube videos.
T. Try a selection of oils, scented candles, herbal teas and chakra crystals.
.
.
.
.
Give up.
Did you know that Facebook IQ tests can actually tell a lot about your intelligence?
If you believe the results, it means you're not very intelligent.
Since Facebook claims ownership of everything you post on their website
I think I should start uploading my bills.
I'm going to change my Facebook name to Benefits.
Now, when someone adds me on Facebook, it will say: you are now friends with Benefits.
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut
After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
(Stolen from Facebook)
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
(Stolen from Facebook)
Computer problems
I had a close friend who was tragically killed by an axe murderer. Strangely, I recently received a friend request from him on Facebook... I think he’s been hacked
I am anti vax and I don’t care what you think...
I am sick and tired of seeing people that are anti vax getting slandered on Facebook .
We have good reason to feel this way and simply attacking us or bad mouthing us is not going to change our minds. We will not be silenced.
I for sure will never have another one again. No chance, I don’t care what you say to try and convince me, I’ve fallen for that trap too many times before.
They are absolutely the worst brand of vacuum cleaner... Henry all the way for me!
The CDC is warning people about biohazards in chimneys, but my dumb Facebook friends won't listen.
They keep saying "It's just the flue, bro."
Facebook is where you find people who studied with you in school
Twitter is where you find people you wish you studied with in school.
Someone wrote on Facebook...
My pizza's burnt, my beer is frozen and my girlfriend's pregnant.
A friend replied, "It seems you can't take anything out on time."
A friend replied, "It seems you can't take anything out on time."
The perfect AI
Some many years into the future...
Scientist : Yessss!!!! After years of work, I have finally created the perfect AI humanoid. This robot has its own brain and can think and do exactly like a human being. Can't wait to try it out.
He switches humanoid on and thinks of a challenging task
Scientist : I would like you to go on the internet net, prepare mathematical skills and solve the equation on the board
The humanoid goes on the computer and starts using Google. Meanwhile, the scientist leaves for lunch and hopes for a result by the time he comes.
2 hours later, the scientist walks in to find the humanoid watching Friends on Netflix while simultaneously posting his believes for Flat Earth Society on Facebook and exclaims, "Success".
Scientist : Yessss!!!! After years of work, I have finally created the perfect AI humanoid. This robot has its own brain and can think and do exactly like a human being. Can't wait to try it out.
He switches humanoid on and thinks of a challenging task
Scientist : I would like you to go on the internet net, prepare mathematical skills and solve the equation on the board
The humanoid goes on the computer and starts using Google. Meanwhile, the scientist leaves for lunch and hopes for a result by the time he comes.
2 hours later, the scientist walks in to find the humanoid watching Friends on Netflix while simultaneously posting his believes for Flat Earth Society on Facebook and exclaims, "Success".
My grandfather died while commenting on a Facebook post
I’ll not see the likes of him again
I can’t wait to get a girlfriend this year like that motivational quote on Facebook said
I just hope that this year my van will be able to outrun them this time!
I’m tired of the Facebook ads telling me I can lose 18 pounds and 8 inches in a month.
Losing 18 pounds would be cool, but I don’t want to be five-foot two.
WARNING to people on Facebook,
There is a link going round claiming to be a live performance from Chris Martin in his home, Do NOT click this link as it will take you to a live performance from Chris Martin in his home.
The Neighbour's Rabbit
So I woke up this morning to see my dog laying down in the back, covered in dirt, with a rabbit in its mouth. The rabbit's not bloody eh, just dirty. My neighbor's child has two rabbits, so immediately I knew it was one of his. So I took the rabbit from my dog, ran inside, and washed all the dirt off it before the neighbor could come home. It was stiff but I know some animals play dead when they're afraid, but I couldn't remember which ones. I took it and put it back in one of the cages in their back yard and I ran back home. A little later I heard the neighbor's child screaming, so I went and asked what had happened. They told me that their rabbit died 3 days ago and they buried it and when dey came home it was in the cage...
(Copied from facebook)
(Copied from facebook)
So there's an Amazon River now? What's next? Lake Facebook? Mount Paypal?
How did Amazon manage to name a whole river in South America after them? Did they pay the governments of all the countries it flows through, for the naming rights?
What was the river's name before Amazon bought the naming rights to the river?
And how long will it be before there are other natural features named after world-class companies? (Like Microsoft Plains, The Reddit Sea, Instagram Peak, etc.?)
What was the river's name before Amazon bought the naming rights to the river?
And how long will it be before there are other natural features named after world-class companies? (Like Microsoft Plains, The Reddit Sea, Instagram Peak, etc.?)
Yesterday my brother uploaded a status on Facebook.
He wrote in his facebook status "I love my girlfriend <3"
I knew that he liked them young but this is getting out of hand.
I knew that he liked them young but this is getting out of hand.
Tinder is for rookies
Go to Facebook marketplace and search for wedding dresses. It'll show you recently divorced females in your area. From there you can filter by size
Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and posted on Facebook that I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive.
10000 random Muslims have now added me as a friend.
Facebook: I know everything.
Google: I control everything.
Internet: Without me both of you are useless.
Charger: Shhhhhh keep quiet!!!
Internet: Without me both of you are useless.
Charger: Shhhhhh keep quiet!!!
I'm a middle aged man. I have many friends on Facebook. Some of them are women. I spend quite a bit of time chatting with them. Life is good!
Joyce is one of them.. Very hot, around 30-35 years old. When I'm chatting with her, I lose all sense of time.
One day she tells me "My husband's going out of town on business this Sunday. Why don't you come over? I'll be alone in the house :-)"
"What if he comes back while I'm there?" I ask.
"Oh he won't, don't worry."
"Yeah, but what if he does?" (I'm not the one to take any stupid chances at my age.)
"I'm sure he won't, but if he does, you just start cleaning the windows. I'll tell him you're from the cleaning company. Anyways he keeps complaining about how his mom keeps their house cleaner than I ever could. I'll just tell him it was meant to be a surprise for him. He won't suspect a thing."
It sounds like a brilliant plan! I tell myself "Man! She's not only smoking hot, she's also smart!... and she wants ME!"
So, I show up next Sunday and just my luck, the dude comes back within minutes, saying his client cancelled on him. I silently thank her for suggesting an easy way out in advance and immediately get to cleaning the windows. Seeing him giving inquisitive glances towards me, Joyce comes to my rescue. Explains how she wanted to surprise him with a sparkling house.
He starts complaining (like she had told me already) how she's useless and now she's wasting money hiring a cleaning company. She says there was a promotion going on and she apparently got a great deal. Man! The woman can think on her feet!
He finally calmed down, and gets on my case. Micromanaging every bit of the cleaning. Gets me to clean their windows, do the dishes, clean the kitchen, garage, attic… makes me mop, vacuum, do the laundry. I didn't complain once. In fact to make it look more convincing I put in some extra effort. A lot of extra effort.
Finally after six hours of back-breaking work, (the house was filthy by the way) it seems there's nothing left to clean. He calls out to Joyce and asks how much he needs to pay me. She says she's already paid in advance to my office. So the husband tips me a twenty. I thank him and leave. Quietly thanking my luck.. Man what a close save!
Joyce has blocked me on Facebook since the incident. I think it's a smart move, why take another risk?
One day she tells me "My husband's going out of town on business this Sunday. Why don't you come over? I'll be alone in the house :-)"
"What if he comes back while I'm there?" I ask.
"Oh he won't, don't worry."
"Yeah, but what if he does?" (I'm not the one to take any stupid chances at my age.)
"I'm sure he won't, but if he does, you just start cleaning the windows. I'll tell him you're from the cleaning company. Anyways he keeps complaining about how his mom keeps their house cleaner than I ever could. I'll just tell him it was meant to be a surprise for him. He won't suspect a thing."
It sounds like a brilliant plan! I tell myself "Man! She's not only smoking hot, she's also smart!... and she wants ME!"
So, I show up next Sunday and just my luck, the dude comes back within minutes, saying his client cancelled on him. I silently thank her for suggesting an easy way out in advance and immediately get to cleaning the windows. Seeing him giving inquisitive glances towards me, Joyce comes to my rescue. Explains how she wanted to surprise him with a sparkling house.
He starts complaining (like she had told me already) how she's useless and now she's wasting money hiring a cleaning company. She says there was a promotion going on and she apparently got a great deal. Man! The woman can think on her feet!
He finally calmed down, and gets on my case. Micromanaging every bit of the cleaning. Gets me to clean their windows, do the dishes, clean the kitchen, garage, attic… makes me mop, vacuum, do the laundry. I didn't complain once. In fact to make it look more convincing I put in some extra effort. A lot of extra effort.
Finally after six hours of back-breaking work, (the house was filthy by the way) it seems there's nothing left to clean. He calls out to Joyce and asks how much he needs to pay me. She says she's already paid in advance to my office. So the husband tips me a twenty. I thank him and leave. Quietly thanking my luck.. Man what a close save!
Joyce has blocked me on Facebook since the incident. I think it's a smart move, why take another risk?
Google knows!
Subject: Today's Reality
CALLER: Is this Gordon's Pizza?
GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.
CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.
GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.
CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza.
GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir?
CALLER: My usual? You know me?
GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.
CALLER: OK! That’s what I want ...
GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?
CALLER: What? I detest vegetable!
GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
CALLER: How the hell do you know!
GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.
GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.
CALLER: I bought more from another drugstore.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.
CALLER: I paid in cash.
GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
CALLER: I have other sources of cash.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.
CALLER: WHAT THE HELL!
GOOGLE: I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
CALLER: Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, Whats App and all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.
GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago...
CALLER: Is this Gordon's Pizza?
GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.
CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.
GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.
CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza.
GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir?
CALLER: My usual? You know me?
GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.
CALLER: OK! That’s what I want ...
GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?
CALLER: What? I detest vegetable!
GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
CALLER: How the hell do you know!
GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.
GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.
CALLER: I bought more from another drugstore.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.
CALLER: I paid in cash.
GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
CALLER: I have other sources of cash.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.
CALLER: WHAT THE HELL!
GOOGLE: I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
CALLER: Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, Whats App and all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.
GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago...
This week in DC, Mark Zuckerberg is currently doing the hardest thing imaginable.
He’s explaining Facebook to old people.
My girlfriend just sent me a Facebook message saying:
My girlfriend just sent me a Facebook message saying:
“helpmyspacebarbrokecanyoucomeoverandgivemeanalternative”
Does anybody know what ‘ternative’ means?
“helpmyspacebarbrokecanyoucomeoverandgivemeanalternative”
Does anybody know what ‘ternative’ means?
My girlfriend is very upset at me for not making a girlfriends day post about her on Facebook.
But not as mad as my wife would be if she saw me post about my girlfriend on Facebook so it all works out.
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